74. Pill

A chart or graph would work well, the depiction of a kind of solar system or protein block complex. In the center would be this small flat pill. Inauspicious looking, like a baby aspirin. The sun. Somewhere in the black velvet bag of my insides, they claim, this pill is stimulating a gland that stimulates a door that opens to let fall an extra egg or so, with the idea being that I’ll get pregnant.
      All right, the first thing we need to look at is the mind-body division (connection). The little pill unfurls with all these little banners. It’s got a ton of messages, like Chinese fortunes. I try to read them all and make sense of the thing and then also realize that well, you just put it in your mouth and see what will happen I once had an abortion/it’s really weird to have done that and various other deep wishes regarding not being pregnant and now this. I have a beautiful child/she would love a younger sibling/she would be neglected and not get all the love I have for her. I am afraid of birth defects afraid of tempting fate afraid of pushing for this thing that seems divine/don’t be ruled by fear. I love my work and want to keep working/I won’t be able to work as much/I’ll be able to work better. I love my work/I don’t care as much about my work as I do about my family, my beautiful little girl. Lovemaking is a great way to make a kid/I’m kind of interested in the artificial insemination procedure on a rubbernecking level at this point/I could write a story about all this. My fertility specialist sucks/my fertility specialist is really nice. Articles trickle in from my mother:  acupuncture tension prayer/I am a failure/I am a mother!  I don’t speak about it and feel like a cartoon character with an empty dialogue balloon over her head. I almost said something about it today/even this is stupid/saying that is even stupider/now everyone will know/why should I care why not say fuck you/what does hope have to do with any of it/can you hope yourself out of a box/into a box? I could call a girl Hope Patience Forest Fire. The fact of putting your hand on a soft head, the murmur, the expression that is not an echo in a canyon, the close words—I call her.

75. Bathroom

She is bleeding in the bathroom. Her husband is out in the hall and he’s vacuuming and their kids are asleep and she is bleeding and she came back from her lover’s that’s what you could call it well not his house but the place they go to do it and this time she is bleeding in the bathroom they were as sexy as always and he is also her boss she is bleeding and they have great sex together she doesn’t want more than that she has a terrible marriage and this time they just thought they’d try something and it’s not like they she is bleeding she is bleeding it’s not like they have rough sex or anything and he is really gentle a gentle guy a nice guy yeah married too but he’s so good to her this time anyway they thought they’d try something new and so it didn’t hurt at first really that’s the thing and then when it was all the way up there then there was this moment and they hadn’t been planning it and she was just like whoa you got to take it out and he did but whatever happened had already happened she is bleeding in the bathroom and she just thought maybe her period had come early but then she kept bleeding and she went home to her husband and her sleeping children her husband was pissed because she’d got blood on the car seat and then drips in the hall so she just went into the bathroom she just laid down on the cool tile near the toilet and the bathtub and she just thought maybe if she lay here for a little bit it wouldn’t she is bleeding he’s saying something he’s turned off the vacuum something is keeping her from getting help something is keeping her from going to the hospital something is keeping her and her husband is out in the driveway now she can hear him she left her lover she was bleeding a little then but no big deal so it was just like her period started early or something and it didn’t hurt when he did it and it was something they didn’t plan and they don’t have rough sex no of course not and he’s good to her yeah he’s married yeah he’s her boss but he’s good to her and this is all she wants Christ it gets lonely being in a marriage like this one and she’s tried everything pills lawyers booze exercise lovers and nothing works but now she is bleeding in the bathroom and then she passes out a little bit and she wakes up later and she’s still bleeding and she really wants to just sleep but she’s got to she’s got to get to the hospital and her husband is watching TV now and he doesn’t know about the lover and she doesn’t tell him who would possibly guess this was a sex-related injury you wouldn’t guess that no one would not even a jealous asshole psycho husband like hers and in any case why wouldn’t you let your wife who had bled all over the bathroom drive herself to the hospital and that’s what she did she went to the hospital she drove there she was bleeding she drove herself there she had lost a third of her blood stayed in three days the husband never visited the lover did felt awful about it gave her some money for time off work and what not and she decided on the bathroom floor or maybe at the hospital decided to leave the husband and that’s okay that’s good I think but where was anyone where was I when she was on the floor—