The Best Jeans For Your Body Type by Thomas Mundt


The Best Jeans For Your Body Type could be just the shot in the arm your relationship needs. They could help take things to the next level, perhaps even the top-floor penthouse suite, overlooking a Sunglass Hut. They may assist you in forgetting about The Incident With Douglass, the one that lasted fourteen months and ended with smelling salts and a produce-section crying jag.
     You need The Best Jeans For Your Body Type, and immediately. To a retailer equidistant from your work and home, and step on it!
     

***

     
     You do not know shit about The Best Jeans For Your Body Type. You do know that your body is a temple, however. You feel very strongly that, at the base of this temple, and at a respectable distance from any sacred texts or tabernacles, you should find an assortment of floral arrangements, each more colorful and meticulously-arranged than the last. You are of the opinion that Douglass should not outsource this job, that he and he alone is responsible for erecting this enduring tribute to your hipbones and perfectly-oval thighs.
     
     
***

     
     To obtain The Best Jeans For Your Body Type, you employ the assistance of Wendy. Her shirt is striped and lacks sleeves. You notice all the tattoos but you do not comment on them, especially the Gameboy one. You do notice that her breasts are approximately the size of ripe grapefruit and suddenly become acutely aware of your nectarines. You fight the urge to propose a trade.
     The Best Jeans For Your Body Type are on a circular table, bookended by taxidermy. The owls are there to establish a playful, environmentally-friendly tone for your shopping experience. Their eyes are not designed to bore a hole straight through your brain and into the Julius Meinl across the way, but they do.
     The Best Jeans For Your Body Type are now in Wendy’s hands. They are a dark indigo in hue and narrow considerably as they approach the ankle. You have concerns about the ability of your body type to successfully enter The Best Jeans For Your Body Type but Wendy addresses your fears immediately, and as she heads back to the register.
     Wendy will be right here if you need The Best Jeans For Your Body Type in a larger size. All you have to do is press the button.
     
     
***

     
     The Best Jeans For Your Body Type are now on your body and your body is now in the mirror. You are quite pleased with the way The Best Jeans For Your Body Type appear in the mirror and are convinced it is some sort of funny trick. You run your hands over the mirror to confirm that it is a mirror and not some kind of LED display. You become more and more convinced that it is in fact a mirror and that is your body in The Best Jeans For Your Body Type and not the body belonging to Isles of TV’s Rizzoli & Isles, whose body you have always found to be underrated.
     You smile and you press the button. Could Wendy also bring you the yellow top with all the embroidery, along with that tweed clutch from the Clearance Bin?
     
     
***

     
     The Best Jeans For Your Body Type are now in a bag, and the bag is resting on the passenger-side seat of your car. The seat is made entirely of cloth and the car was donated to you by your CPA uncle, upon discovering that you work in the public sector. The car has a stereo which allows you to access a multitude of stations via satellite. You have selected a station that consistently delivers the minor works of The Pointer Sisters, as your research suggests there is a correlation between their music and your elevated moods.
     You are experiencing one of these elevated moods as you steer your tax write-off back to your dwelling. You are of the understanding that Douglass will not return from his 3:30 until 5:45, and this will allow for ample time for your body to enter The Best Jeans For Your Body Type. You are convinced that your body in The Best Jeans For Your Body Type will leave Douglass no choice but to express a desire to promptly remove The Best Jeans For Your Body Type and enter your body.
     You hope that, when Douglass enters your body, he will embrace your privates without communicating his preference do so sans prophylactic. You pray that he will not remind you that he does not mind that The Pill makes you crazy, that he loves you just the way you are.
     
     
***

     
     The Best Jeans For Your Body Type are on your body and your body is on a stool, positioned at the breakfast bar. The yellow top with all the embroidery is also on your body and your hair has not looked this good since That One Time At The Farmer’s Market, when you stole a glimpse of yourself in the window of that Hyundai. You cannot help but notice that Douglass has not commented upon any of these details and is unlikely to do so as the evening progresses.
     You watch Douglass on the deck, speaking into his cellular. You do not believe it is necessary for him to remind you of his difficulties in obtaining a signal in the kitchen for the umpteenth time, attributing the same to your insistence upon exposed brick in that area. You notice that his free hand is positioned on a wooden railing and hope that particular portion is untreated. You would like to observe a splinter slip through his clammy palm skin and enter his bloodstream. You would not be opposed to seating yourself on said splinter and, after circumnavigating his network of veins and capillaries, plunging a serrated steak knife into both of Douglass’ lungs. You would delight in watching them deflate like beach accessories as you change into the Old Navy track pants you would have preferred to have been wearing from the jump.
     
     
***

     
     The Best Jeans For Your Body Type cannot advise you as to next steps. They will not respond when you ask yourself why a grown-ass man would add an extra “s” to his Christian name, and at age twenty-nine. They lack the capacity to walk you through, in explicit detail, What You Saw In Him In The First Place or Why You Didn’t Just Go To Design School Like You Wanted. They are non-refundable and do not appreciate your dumping all of this on them, in the midst of their busy season.
     The Best Jeans For Your Body Type are incapable of confirming what you feared was the case all along; namely, that your mother was dead right about you.
     
     
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Thomas Mundt is the author of one short story collection, You Have Until Noon to Unlock the Secrets of the Universe (Lady Lazarus Press, 2011), and the father of one human boy, Henry. Outreach/teambuilding opportunities abound at www.dontdissthewizard.blogspot.com.